Autumn. My favorite season of them all.
I love it for the obvious reasons – tall boots, sweaters and scarves, the vibrant, attention-grabbing colors that gently fade into muted browns, crisp scents, pumpkins showing up in everything, finding excuses to curl up under toasty blankets with a book and warm mug of coffee, listening to soft acoustics, folksy undertones, and Americana.
I love it too because I feel like of all the seasons, it most closely mimics my personality. An odd comparison, you might say. But it is true.
Autumn is pensive, and I feel myself slipping into that state as the season advances. Some days my life seems like a giant looming question mark. Where do I go from here? I have settled into a steady job and, for all intents and purposes, into married life. Day-to-day life holds its general stressors that plague all at some point in varying intensities. I am blessed in many ways. I like my life. But how do I get myself to love my life?
I can feel there are still things missing. Some of these I know of, but have not had the courage as of yet to reach for. Others I can’t begin to know. My sister-in-law and I like to joke about how we were a couple of years ago, when we worried about these boys getting around to marrying us and dreaming of ditching our apartment lives for home ownership. Surely once these were met, what more could we be wanting for, at least for a little while? Ah, but I think humans are naturally left with always wanting something more, different. How else did we get out of the Dark Ages? It is not a bad thing. Change is as natural and inevitable as the seasons. But for a late twenty-something, it can be awfully frustrating and confusing, to keep coming back around to the same questions.
“No one, no one real, stays still for very long. Memory stays put, it patiently remains in place while we hang ornaments from it and dress it in finery. But flesh and blood moves, it never stops. Flesh and blood is naked, it is constantly falling and scarring and breaking and getting dirty and picking itself back up.”
Robert Hicks, A Separate Country
So I will use fall and winter unapologetically as times for rest and reflection, as nature intended, and seize the opportunity to hopefully uncover a few more pieces of the answers I am seeking. In the meantime, may I not forget to count my blessings and recall my gratitude for the small pieces of life that build up my days.
My favorite things lately:
Watching the neighbor’s tree put on a brilliant color show for weeks on end, framed perfectly by our living room window.
Being married to a person who loves the outdoors just as much as I do
And developing shared interests together
Views from and to the deer stand, and disappearing into nature for a few hours
Getting to spend some time with this baby, for it teaching me (probably well-deserved) lessons on patience and humbleness and that mistakes are necessary for growth
Checking out from life for an afternoon by way of the most loyal of friends – books.