“…to slip again over my faculties the viewless fetters of a uniform and too still existence; of an existence whose very privileges of security and ease I was becoming incapable of appreciating.”
Charlotte Bronte, Jane Eyre
Jane Eyre has always been one of my favorite classics, partly because I feel I identify with Jane in so many aspects. I chose this quote today because it so accurately describes how I’ve been feeling lately.
On a personal level, I have not been at my strongest lately, having a lot of trouble seeing and feeling the silver linings. D has no job offers yet, or interviews for that matter. My worries about this are adding up – about money, about bills, about finding a job that will pay at least closer to his previous income, and in the midst all these other factors, him still being able to find a job that he will be able to enjoy and that makes him happy.
I’ve been starting to feel like a caged animal, and admittedly feeling selfish about feeling that way. I have never taken well to strings that tie me down. I like knowing my escape routes. But there are no escape routes when you’re married. You have to go through it together. No bailing.
Because of the job situation, we have had to be much more conservative about the money. Which essentially means being grounded to home, work, home again. At first this was just fine. I love our little house and, for the most part, like my job. But monotony has never sat well with me either, and it has begun infiltrating my thoughts and dampening my spirits. Though, yes, it’s an income, work has started to feel like an inescapable drain, and we have tried to get creative about no-cost fun at home, but sometimes there is no cure for getting out of the house and getting some new experiences. Our bigger dreams we had – Alaska, having a little farm – seem so far away right now. Add that to rarely seeing the sun and the bitterly cold sub-zero temperatures that have gripped the area and it’s taking all I can muster not to disappear under the covers and just not come out for a very long time.
Other than just needing a small vent session, there is a point here and a reason why I am posting this under a ‘Favorite Things’ post.
I realize despite our setbacks currently, we still have it better than many, and I should be counting our blessings instead of counting our blights. We are fortunate to have at least one income still coming in. The only extra mouths we have to worry about feeding is our canine kids. Even though we’ve had to restrict our heat in an attempt to lower our electric bill, we still have a roof over our heads and plenty of warm blankets to cover up in. Even though we’re pinching, we’re still able to pay all of our bills. Even though I know he’s feeling discouraged too, my husband is still able to literally be my shoulder to cry on and the strong one when I’m struggling so much.
A little out of the format of previous posts of this category, here are some of my favorite things lately that have brought little glimmers of light to me:
Spiked hot chocolate in front of a winter bonfire.
(And throwing fashion sense out the window in the name of just trying to keep my innards from freezing over…)
Bringing my mom a little joy for her birthday in the form of hot coffee and locally baked cupcakes.
Being able to find a small escape by immersing in a new book by my new favorite non-fiction author
Choosing residents for our summer gardens
(and rereading some Harry Potter, because that magical world always cheers me up)
Finding a delicious homemade cinnamon roll recipe and indulging on them all week long.
Getting out of the house to hear some live music and do a little bit of dancing on a Friday night, recalling our (just little bit) younger lives
Mixing things up by pulling out the French Press. Morning coffee just got that much better.
Babysitting this face, who reminded our whole household of patience and to remember to play and be happy, just because