Marriage brings focus to and the stressing of the concept “we”. It is one of the more difficult concepts for some of us to grasp. Sometimes to have the best “we”, you need to precede it with the best “me”. And thus begins the complex dance of balancing the two.
I made myself stay in town tonight to chip away at packing up the apartment. My progress wasn’t earth shattering, but I made a couple of strided at least. It’s ironic; as much as I’ve felt instantly overwhelmed every time I’ve walked into my apartment lately, today I actually felt more of a calm within myself, as though part of my brain was whispering “sanctuary”.
The calm, the quiet, being able to focus a little – it was a relief. But it made me realize that I need to get prepared to leave this part of my life behind. The freedom of singledom, the independence, the calling of all my own shots. Melding together has been….a challenge for me, honestly. I think I am most afraid of losing myself again, of losing the strength I had to build up as an individual, simply because of the act of starting over again. I have never been able to undergo change fluidly and effortlessly. I feel my struggle will be keeping my sense of “self”intact while maintaining and growing a marriage as well.
As I pack up the apartment, I feel I need to issue this phase a proper farewell. Though when is one ever truly ready for goodbyes?